Chips and Dip and Pepsi

Have a Very Merry Hallow, and a Happy New Ween!

2009-10-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

I love Christmas time. The giving, the music, the warmth and love, the food, the message, the memory of my sister Laura telling me Santa wasn’t going to bring me any gifts since I failed to get her a bowl of cereal from the kitchen quickly enough. It truly is the happiest time of the year.

I was surprised, though, when I went to eat lunch today and upon walking into the quaint tea room, was immediately surrounded by lights, Tannenbaums, and the smell of pine! Where did Harvest go? I want my oats, barley, and cinnamon aromas to return! Isn’t it a bit soon?

Soon we will be decking the halls with boughs of holly and I haven’t even gotten the proper lecture about Halloween being the devil’s holiday from people in small town Tennessee. This is unacceptable.

BUT, since I have an excuse now. I shall grace you with my top ten of all time favorite Christmas songs. Download them and listen while you carve your pumpkin. Or pick some corn for those of you who don’t celebrate October’s holiday-which-must-not-be-named.

1) O Holy Night- Harry Connick Jr.
2) Here With Us- Joy Williams
3) Still Still Still- Mannheim Steamroller
4) Celebrate Me Home- Kenny Loggins
5) Christmas Cannon- Transiberian Orchestra
6) Little Drummer Boy- Harry Connick Jr.
7) One Little Candle- Chicago
8) Baby, It’s Cold Outside- Zooey Deschanel and Leon Redbone
9) Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays- NSync
10) Silent Night- Libera

No, I do not listen to Breath of Heaven, Mary Did You Know, Christmas Shoes, or Sweet Little Jesus Boy. They make my ears bleed.

Miss me much???

2009-10-14T08:01:00.001-07:00

Oh there are so many things to discuss. Where shall I begin, friends? After taking a small hiatus and actually working at my job instead of pretending, I have grown tired of being an adult and am back to blogging. Plus, I keep getting requests from people to return and what can I say? I’m a people pleaser.

So many things have happened since I last blogged, namely my gender transformation. I kid I kid…but in the next few postings here is a little teaser: completing a 5K (I know, right?), pumpkin patch, New Moon trailers, my Christmas Countdown, the Country Ham Festival, birth of my nephew, birth of my niece, and Lola’s Halloween costume. Get excited and stay tuned….

But can we please talk about my love for the month of October????? This is the case for several reasons. But the main reason is the flood gates opening to the world that is candy. Have you been to Wal-Mart in the past few weeks??? Candy everywhere and the good stuff too. I will add that I was frustrated at one point however when all I needed was starlight mints and could only find Halloween Hershey Kisses and Rolos (blech). I suggest you run out and stock up for your trick or treaters. Don’t be a butt and get them crappy candy…..get the good stuff. If not, they will pee in your front yard. I told them to.

What is Lola choosing to be for Halloween? Well she is being two things. One in the morning, and then after a brief costume change, she will reveal a brand new look. Her morning attire is inspired by a ladybug. It has a cute cute cute tutu and wings. When Joey saw it, he asked if I was dressing her up as a ‘lady of the night’. Excuse me…..

Her costume change will later reveal her father’s choice of Halloween festivity-ness. She is being a skunk. And it is maybe the most darling thing you have ever seen. Get excited.

And with the month of Oct. we get closer and closer to the release of New Moon. In case your forgot about the anticipation you should be having, let me remind you…..

Except the guy with the jorts can go on. We do not support denim shorts here.

Til the next blog!!! Stay tuned!

New Boyfriend. Sorry, Joey.

2009-07-24T09:19:00.000-07:00

I am usually one to jump on bandwagons. NKOTB? Totally was a follower. Sausage roll bangs in the 9th grade? Check. Wearing the fragrance CK One? I was there.

Harry Potter? Not so much….

I tried, friends. I read the first book and loved it. I read the second and like it. I started the third and quit before the end. It was exhausting to me. Harry is a whiner….

Same thing with the movies. The first I loved, second I liked, third I was kicking my legs ready for it to be over. Hence, I am refusing to go see whichever one is in theaters now. I know…. ‘Becca, it’s the best one yet!!!’ I’ve heard it all.

So I was prepared to be the same about Twilight. But I was suckered into watching it. The verdict? LOVED IT! I just ignored all the really uncomfortable staring.

So now I am so pumped about New Moon coming out. Are you? If you haven’t jumped on that bandwagon yet, maybe this will help.

BTW, Taylor, Why haven’t you returned my calls???

Ewwww!

2009-07-14T06:40:00.000-07:00

We have to talk about this!!!!!

This is Ed from Chicago. I love the Bachelorette. (The show, not the individual.) Ed has made it to the final 2 men in the running for our Bachelorette’s heart. Please, someone tell me why she would chose someone that would
A)wear a tank top on national television and
B) wear daisy dukes!!!?

I have loved Ed up until this point but when he came running up to her last night on the show, all I could see was armpit hair. Armpit hair. In my face.

One word: Oh MyGross.

So lets give him the benefit of the doubt. They were going on a boat ride and maybe he just wanted a little more sun on his body.

But then!!!!

We find out that Ed has flown his family to Hawaii to see Jillian. They go to visit and he is still wearing those damn shorts and basically a spaghetti strap top! He and his dad were having a heart to heart and I know I was supposed to be listening as his dad cried to Ed. But no. All I could see was chest hair. Chest hair and armpit hair. In my face. And the more Ed cross his legs, the more his short creeped up.

One word: OhMyGross.

Jill, dump him. Dump him and invite Reid back!

This is a seriously serious post....

2009-07-08T07:38:00.001-07:00

I have this obsession right now with traveling. Maybe it has to do with the fact that we can't right now due to finances. But I take time almost everday when I am pretending to work and look at trips and vacations I cannot take. I think it's important to travel and to experience the world and all of God's lovely people. Thanks to my dearest KD sister, Rebecca, for this link..... I love it! Enjoy.

Sniffle, Sniffle, Tear....

2009-06-30T11:44:00.000-07:00

It is a sad day, friends. My husband was kicked off the bachelorette. Jillian is on my S list now!

Hey Ohhhhhhh!

2009-06-29T13:50:00.000-07:00

Today, upon my boss telling me she is sending me to New Orleans in August and San Diego in September, I immediately started A) singing 'Do You Know What It Means To Miss New Orleans?' and B) quoting Anchorman ('Stay classy, San Diego' and 'It's Sandiago, which in German means a whale's v****a').

Although I am sure I am being sent to conquer child abuse nationwide. I think my boss might actually want me to.....

bump into Harry Connick Jr while in New Orleans....

and....

wrestle with AC Slater at the Max in San Diego!!!

Aren't my boys so silly posing the same in their pictures just for me???

Mmm Mmm Good!!!

2009-06-22T08:34:00.000-07:00

Doesn't your mouth water just looking at it????

Since starting my blog a few months back, several people have asked why it is called chips and dip and pepsi. I thought today might be a nice time to explain.

Note to readers: I apologize for my long absence from blogging. We had some feisty storms come through last week and incidentally, I have no computer and no phone at work. Which means we all sit around and stare at each other.

The word you are looking for is ‘anyway’………

Picture it. Circa 1985. 3 year old Becca is rockin a short hair cut that causes everyone and their grandma to think she is a boy for the next year, forever scarring her life.

Now I have mentioned my sissykins, Laura several times. (who, might I mention, is like 50 months pregnant now.) Well she had a friend named Darla Jean. (Grew up in the mountains, folks.)

Sidenote: Darla Jean was the inspiration in naming our cat, Darla Jean Rhinestone.

Laura was always going over to Darla Jean’s to play and quite often, I would tag along.

Remember our mother? We called her the etiquette nazi growing up because manners were her thing. We were always told not to ask for things unless they were offered. In addition, we also only ate healthy food. (which explains my love for fast food and my weight gain in adult years)

Every time I went to Darla Jeans, as soon as I walked in the door, I would find her mother and in my 3 year old southern twang would ask, can I have some chips and dip and pepsi? She would always give it to me and then Laura would tell on me and I would get scolded for asking when not offerred.

And thus, my love for ruffles have ridges and French onion dip was born. Along with my blog title

Amazing!

2009-06-09T12:03:00.001-07:00

I'm just sayin....

2009-06-04T12:05:00.000-07:00

I LOVE the Bachelorette! If you are looking for me on a Monday evening, you know where to find me. This week when I was watching, I noticed that Jesse, the wine maker from California, bared a striking resemblance to someone. Any guesses???

Oh, Joey Steve Todd!

Blast from the Past

2009-06-03T06:56:00.000-07:00

The following are some of my favorite commercials. Some remind me of being a kid, some make me laugh, some make me cry. Enjoy! And tell me some of your favorites as well! And don't correct me for starting sentences with 'and', grammar teachers.

Misheard Lyrics!!!

2009-05-22T11:59:00.000-07:00

So the hubs works at Baptist Hospital, if you don’t know. He works 3, 12 hour, third shifts a week and so every few days, on my way to work, I get to hear about his night. This is how this morning’s conversation went:

Becca: Hello?
Hot Hubby: So a girl at work thought my name was Joyce.
Becca: As expected.
Hot Hubby: That was after she thought it was James and David.
Becca: Of course.
HH: She also asked me what country Denver is in.

Seriously? I mean. This woman just graduated nursing school. I replied by reminding the hubs that I thought Washington D.C. was in the state of Washington up until the eighth grade. He told me it’s not the same thing. He likes to tell himself he is married to a smart woman. We let him believe that.

All of this confusion got me to thinking about all of the people in my life and their misheard lyrics of songs. Now, I love knowing all the lyrics to a song. So typically, I love calling people out when I catch them singing incorrect words. Below are listed some of my favorites. Of course, since I love pictures, I have placed a picture of each individual who was made a fool of so you can get a good mental image. I also have embedded the songs in a playlist on the page so you can listen and imagine these incorrect words. (I couldn’t find the first song though.) Have a good laugh!

Offender: Justin McCall- friend from high school
Song: Yes! (Merry Clayton)
Real Lyrics: Yes! We’re gonna make love and it feels so right!
Misheard Lyrics: Yes! We’re gonna buckle up and it feels so right!

Offender: Laura Helton- sister
Song: Little Red Corvette (Prince)
Real Lyrics: Little Red Corvette. Baby you're much too fast.
Misheard Lyrics: Living Code Red. Baby you're much too fast.

Offender: Joey Chafatelli- spouse
Song: Careless Whisper (Wham)
Real Lyrics: I’m never gonna dance again. Guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Misheard Lyrics: I’m never gonna dance again. Can’t you see I’ve got no rhythym?
***Joey also insists that the phrase ‘bane of my existence’ is actually ‘vane of my existence’. Right.

Offender: Meredith Gilliland- pipes of pan sister, best friend
Song: Grand Ole Flag (Who knows?)
Real Lyrics: You’re a grand ole flag! You’re a high flying flag!
Misheard Lyrics: You’re a grand ole flag! You’re a hot flying flag!

Offender: Kayne Gilliland- Meredith’s husband
Song: Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen)
Real Lyrics: Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me!
Misheard Lyrics: The Algebra has a devil put aside for me!

Offender: Duncan McKillop- Joey’s cousin and kinfolk
Song: Smells Like Teen Spirit (Nirvana)
Real Lyrics: Here we are now, entertain us.
Misheard Lyrics: Here we are now, every day nurse.

And my all time favorite….
Addicted to Love (Robert Palmer)
Real Lyrics: Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love.
Misheard Lyrics: Might as well face it, it’s my dick that you love.

I actually don’t know who the offender of this misheard lyric is. We will pretend it was my boyfriend, Zac Efron. This is a picture I took of him laughing after I said something funny.

Actually working for once...and not just pretending.

2009-05-18T06:57:00.000-07:00

I know. Its true. I have a deadline to meet and then I will be back to blogging and do I have some good stories for my devoted readers!!! Just wait. Hopefully I will be able to post today. In the meantime.....Stare at my baby. I challenge you to make one just as adorable. If it's possible.

Because I can't stop!!!!

2009-05-06T09:30:00.001-07:00

I have so many pictures I just want to put up for the world to see! I know I have been MIA. I know, dear blog readers, that you have been tearful with my absence, but I was sent out of town for work and the Holiday Inn evidently has invisible steel walls that do not let in wireless signals. Of course, I have good stories from my travels. Those will come later. Most importantly, the story where a lady from New York told me I was forming penises out of play dough. Right. Seriously. Amazing.

Adeline and Lola got together again this weekend. They had a great time and gossipped about boys and celebrities. Their Mamas had some catch-up time too.

Lola: What up, bitty?
Addie: Not much, fool. We are chillin fo' realz!!!
Lola: Holla atcha boyeeee!!!

Here is my husband with an eyebrow ring, years back. Hahhahhahahahha!

And here is me in my wedding dress.

I kid I kid!!!!

Best Friends Already!

2009-04-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

Here are sweet Adeline and Lola at their first meeting. Lola laughed and laughed and Addie even woke up to say hi! Here's to many years of good times!

Amazing!

2009-04-21T12:18:00.001-07:00

This would be the happiest day of my life!!!

Thanks to Lincee for the link!

Poor Little Beckkkyyyyyy...

2009-04-21T09:33:00.000-07:00

This is me being sick at my desk:

This is Lola when I told her I wasn't feeling well:

So feel sorry for me, since obviously my infant baby doesn't.

A Good Chuckle in the Office

2009-04-20T13:56:00.000-07:00

A question that is ALWAYS asked of us when we appear in court is, “Do children lie?” Well, the answer to that is of course, yes. Some child do lie. And the following story is why I love my job.

A child at work today told me that she has a pet camel. That’s right. A pet camel. For those of you who don’t know me well, look over previous blogs to capture the town I work in in its entirety. Have a good mental picture? Let me help. Farms. More farms. Overalls. Cattle. Goats. Horses. Fried chicken. Tobacco. People using tobacco. People eating fried chicken. People named “Little Buddy” eating friend chicken.

So this sweet little girl told me she has a pet camel. When I asked her what she feeds the camel, she said apples. When I asked her where the camel sleeps, she said of course, he sleeps in her bedroom. She said she also has a dog and a cat. When I asked if they sleep in her bedroom, she said no. The bedroom is only for the camel, she informed me.

She also told me that her best friend is the lunch lady. Which made me love her even more.

Thank you, little girl, for making me laugh. Thank you for being a silly girl.

Silly Silly Sissykins...

2009-04-17T09:18:00.000-07:00

Today is a very special day. My very best good friend, Meredith, is having her sweet baby Adeline! So, naturally, it is all I can think about today. I was sitting here at my desk reflecting on all of the fun things Meredith and I have done throughout the years and then, the way my mind works with my ADD, I started thinking of a funny story about my sister, Laura. So funny that I think I should share it with you. Remember, she is pregnant with Spanky. So, we come full circle! Right on! Also, I just saw the cleaning lady in my office scratch her crotch when she thought no one was looking. Sorry. The ADD again.

On with the story!!!

My sister used to date this boy, who we will refer to as Sally in this story. He used to put on my mom’s high heels and wear bras on his head to be funny. I’m just sayin…

One night when we were all home from college, I was asleep in the guest room at my mom’s house. It was probably the wee hours of the morning. My slumber was rudely interrupted when I woke up to Laura and cross dresser, Sally, climbing all over me and the bed, peering out the windows, looking into the front yard. I, through barely open eyes say, “What are you all doing!?” Laura begins to tell me that there is someone in the front yard with a flash light sneaking all around the front porch. She thinks he is trying to rob us or something. Naturally, I fell back to sleep.

Through my half sleep, I can hear Sally and Laura running all over the house looking out windows and trying to see what is going on. Plottng how to save the world and the valuables in my mother's home. I guess, at some point, Homeboy Sally got my brother’s baseball bat. Laura later told me that Sally went out onto the front porch, shirtless, and threatened this person in the dark with his TBall bat.

About this time I come to my senses. I crept out of bed and went to find the crime fighters across the house. They are standing in the living room pacing and ringing their hands, wondering if they should call 911. I say, “Sally the cross dresser and Laura, it was probably the newspaper guy!”

Come to find out the next day, the poor newspaper boy was new and was trying to find our address on the house and was scared off by a shirtless cross dresser!!!

Me and Laura looking hot and awesome in like 1996.

Meredith is Oprah. I am Beyonce Knowles aka Foxxy Cleopatra. I can't wait to meet Sweet Adeline (bum bum bum)!

2009-04-14T06:34:00.000-07:00

Precious, precious gift. Thanks to Gambill Photography for taking her photographs!

Upon my mother's return...

2009-04-13T14:07:00.000-07:00

A recent phone conversation with my mother, who just returned from being all Army-ish in Iraq….

We are so glad to have her home, safe and sound.

Note to reader, Lola is my four month old daughter. She is, might I add, the most precious thing you have ever laid eyes on.

Becca: Hey, Mama! What are you doing!?
Mama: Don’t worry. I bought Lola a Fourth of July outfit today at Cracker Barrel.
Becca: Naturally.
Mama: It is so cute. It is of course, red, white, and blue. It has stars and stripes all over it and an accompanying hat. She needs some sunglasses though.
Becca: Mama, she is four months old.
Mama: Well she is still proud to be an American!

Have I mentioned I am so happy to be back in Tennessee!!!?

Oh dear...

2009-03-16T13:47:00.000-07:00

At work, a mother said to her child (directing him to me), "Turn around and show her your pretty rat tail." A "bless their heart" is in order here.

Haints and Boogers

2009-03-12T11:17:00.001-07:00

The town I am working in is obsessed with ghosts. A coworker of mine asked me to lunch the other day and we went to the “Bell Schoolhouse”. It was neat. They have taken an old schoolhouse and turned it into a cafeteria that serves healthy food like fried catfish. Blech.

Does the name Bell ring a bell (haha) to you? That’s right. It’s the Bell witch. So over a plate of fried catfish, which I didn’t touch, I got to hear all about the Bell witch and how “just around the corner” is where she haunted the Bell family. Some random historian man named Jim, who the people I was eating with knew like a brother, also joined us for a bit to tell me about the Bells and how he wants me to come out on “the land” to see a play that put on every week where they “shoot real guns and everything!” Right.

You should know that Kathy, our waitress who my coworkers also knew like a sister, served us a fried oreo sundae. Now THAT, I actually ate.

One more thing. The other day, I had to drop some paper work off at the District Attorney’s office. I have only met him a few times but he recognized me when I walked in the door. His eyes lit up in joy not because of my dashing good looks. It was because he was excited to show me the room that a dentist haunts in his office. Folks, we are not in Kansas anymore.

2009-03-09T10:18:00.001-07:00

For those of you who don’t know, my sister, Laura, is pregnant. She is great with child and expecting the little munchkin, who I refer to as Spanky McGhee, in July. July 21st, my birthday, to be exact! Holla!

Now, when I was pregnant, I insisted on using weekday humor to get on my sister’s nerves. I told her I was allowed to since I was pregnant. Now that she is knocked up, I told her she has to start using it since I can’t anymore. And since I hate it, really. On Friday, I made my status on facebook all about my hatred for weekday humor. You know…..TGIF! Workin for the weekend. That kind of stuff. This was all a shout out to her.

On Friday afternoon I called her to see if she found my status humorous. She informed me that unlike me, she actually has to work and take her job seriously.

Dear Laura,

I am sorry that you have to work when you really should be checking your facebook. I am sorry you have a bad case of the mondays. I am sorry you have the monday blues. If only we could just get though Wednesday, hump day, we would be ok. I am sorry you are no fun and that you should be on yahoo messenger so we can talk and make fun of people. I am also sorry for posting this picture of us as children for the world to see.

Lylas,
Becca

Look at the awesome grilled cheese we are eating. And you can tell it is Valentine's day because our sweet Mama has set out heart shaped chocolate boxes for us. Sweet 1985!

Adult Stores, Bacon, and a Runny Nose

2009-02-23T13:08:00.000-08:00

Last week, I attended a training for the workplace in the town of resort-style living, Oak Ridge. The training was on the database system used at our center and, it appears to me, was designed to be the most complex, detailed system today. Imagine a room full of the most artistic people you can imagine: social workers, therapists, forensic interviewers, etc. trying to master the skills of this. You are right, I zoned out about 2.3 seconds into the thing. While the instructors were going on and on about how to do this and that, the following are things that I thought better to contemplate:

1)Is it possible for my 3 month old daughter’s inner-dialogue to be in a British accent?
2)In what year do you think the transition was made where straight men began to enjoy Justin Timberlake?
3)Why is eleven not pronounced “onety one”?
4)If the Rapture occurred right now, would I be sad that my brand new leggings I just purchased would be left behind?
5)Why is that woman in the next row talking openly about going to an “adult” store the size of Wal-Mart?
6)I sure hope the continental breakfast has bacon tomorrow morning.
7)Parents should not let their children wear Heelies.
8)The song, Somebody to Love, by Queen, might be the best song. Ever.
9)It is a shame that anyone ever has used the name Tammi.
10)Would Joey stay married to me if I started wearing Jellies everyday?

The lady who wanted to go to the “adult” store later talked about picking up men that evening. Right. At the end of the training, I was confused and came home with a cold. Cheers!

Oh, Joey Steve Todd!

2009-02-13T07:15:00.000-08:00

Marry me, Juliet.
You never have to be alone.
I love you and that's all I really know.
I talked to your dad
go pick out a white dress.
Its a love story.
Baby, just say yes.

Now. I won't make fun of you if you know what these lyrics are from. We all have mistakenly been listening to the radio and a catchy tune comes on and you find yourself singing along and then realize its Taylor Swift! Or Miley Cyrus! Or Britney Spears! Or the Jonas Brothers! Or Hanson! (Ok, maybe they don't play Hanson anymore but I just threw that in for good measure.)But I digress....

I was driving in the car with my husband, Joey Steve Todd. (Of course, thats not his real name!) He turns to me and says, what if I had proposed to you by saying [INSERT ABOVE LYRICS]? Well. My mouth just hangs open. First of all, since when does my husband listen to Taylor Swift, or radio stations that even play her for that matter? But, as I mentioned above, sometimes you get tricked and end up knowing all of the words to Mmmm Bop, without intention. HOWEVER, please listen in to what the rest of converstion sounded like.

Becca: Since when do you listen to Taylor Swift?
Joey Steve Todd: I don't. But its a catchy tune. I also like the song Dangerous and that new Katie Perry song. And long walks on the beach. And bubble baths. And Pina Coladas. And getting caught in the rain.
Becca:Do you also like Yoga? Are you into champagne?
JST: Yes. And I keep a diary. And carry a parasaul. Pink.

Ok. So maybe I made part of that up. What I am trying to get to is.... If you know my husband, he is somewhat of a manly man. He doesn't wax his eyebrows or get facials. He prefers to not shave. He once, cluelessly, wore a striped shirt with a pair of plaid shorts. He just enjoys a good Taylor Swift song. I should mention that homeboy also knows the lyrics to almost all Backstreet Boys and NSync songs. But I love him for it.

So this Valentine's Day, maybe we will renew our proposal. Maybe he will quote Taylor Swift in doing so. But I might say no if he does.

Bahhahhahaha!

2009-02-13T07:09:00.000-08:00

Norman Gentle makes a return!

2009-02-11T11:23:00.000-08:00

Laura requested that I write an American Idol recap from last night. I have to admit that this is a fantastic idea, as there were so many things to talk about from the episode. I even took notes. And so, we begin…

This is American Idol! We begin with Skipper of the American Idol ship, Ryan Seacrest (Simon would be the Captain), informing us of what Hell Hollywood Week is. The music rises as the American Idol editor inserts pictures of dramatic faces, people crying, and the judges looking dismayed. All contestants line up in front of the Harry Potter sorting hat to pick numbers that will determine the order in which they perform tonight. First up is….

Black Fingernails McGhee aka Adam who sang in Wicked. The make up is caked on his face. His eye liner is wearing me out. He has a large gold chain around his neck. His hair is nicely flat ironed. And for some reason, he chooses to sing Cher’s “Do you believe in Life after Love?” It’s weird but you know he will make it through. He is in Wicked for crying out loud.

Danny Gokey, whose wife sadly passed away (a sign he will make it to the top twelve) sings “I hope you dance”. Very appropriate; however he is the first of the 47 who perform that song this night. It is good. He does well and for some reason, Paula keeps standing up and making the motion like she is lassoing a steer. I think I heard her mumble “giddy-up”.

Kristen McNamara, who you may remember as the girl that cried and got in a screaming match with another girl and she cussed at her when they performed, tells us that the judges hold her dreams in their hands. Right. She screams “Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson and Skipper Ryan plays a mean trick on her by telling her that her mom is behind her, when really she isn’t. Why the editor we love so dearly deemed this funny is beyond me.

Drama Queen Tatiana crosses herself before singing a horrible rendition of something I can’t remember. Randy and Simon look disgusted and she wanders off the stage with her arms stretched out in a “sound of the music” fashion and talks about how good she did in a weird, whispery, drugged out sounding voice. Now this, editor, is good stuff.

Nathaniel Marshall, the punk-time cryer, sings Disturbia and at this point, I am proud of our editor because he inserts psycho comments Nate-dawg has made throughout the season between shots of him singing.

All the other contestants are pretty uneventful. Several African American men surprisingly sing, “Hey there Delilah”. 47 people sing “I hope you dance”. A few forget their words. And Lenesha Young, the girl who has a sad story about growing up homeless, sports a fedora. Holla!

The contestants are placed in different rooms based on their performance. At one point, Tatiana is pulled out of her room and placed in the hall of limbo, as the music swells in dramatic effect. The judges can’t decide where to put her. When they finally settle on placing her in room 4, she enters to rolls of eyes and cries of “Oh crap” because the other contestants know its not a good sign she is in their room.

Captain Simon is done with this malarchy so he flies off to London, abandoning ship.

Meanwhile, back in Hollywood Hell, Skipper Ryan is meandering the halls with his shirt unbuttoned to his belly button. Randy, Kara, and Paula (wearing a broken mirror and key chains around her neck) enter the first room. IMMEDIATELY, Nate Dawg starts to cry. Again.
The judges start looking all sad. Paula’s broken mirror necklace does not help her acting skills. Nate-dawg crawls into a fetal position on the floor, crying. Again.

When Paula announces this room has made it to the next round, Nate-dawg erupts and starts hopping all over the room, hugging people that probably don’t like him.

The next room is finished. It’s the end of the road for them. Fedora girl tells the camera about being humble through her tears.

The third room is through and the trickster that is our editor makes the audience, and the contestants, think the next room isn’t going to make it through and in this room is Tatiana. When the judges enter the room, she starts rocking and praying. I start to wonder why she is so worried, a psychic told her she would make it to the top 12, remember? Some bald guy gets irritated with the judges’ antics and probably is tired of looking at Paula’s necklace and finally says, “It is a no, right?” Paula, in her trickery tricky tricks, replies, “It’s a yes.” Boo ya! Tatiana pushes some guy out of the way runs and hugs Paula like an old friend. Uh huh.

Tonight is sure to be full of drama. Skipper Ryan tells us about how it is the toughest elimination yet and the contestants will all convene in some fake mansion to be told their future. And in a NEVER BEFORE IDOL OCCURANCE, oil rig guy has to sing to show the judges what it is worth to him. Should be fun!

This one's for the girls...

2009-02-10T12:26:00.000-08:00

I have recently moved from the inferno location of Sarasota, FL to the "MUSIC CITY CAPITOL OF THE WORLD" (insert echo here), Nashville. I am so pleased to be closer to my family but am sad to have left some of my friends, near and dear to my heart, behind. So, ladies, this first blog is written for you. Pretend I am sitting right there saying all of this out loud.

For the past two days I have had a pain in my left arm. I know. First thing, I knew I was having a heart attack. I knew it was coming and that I shouldn't drive for a day, in case the big one happened en route to my house. Then I started to remember that I have had some back pain in the past few weeks (couldn't possibly be due to moving) and convinced myself that something had gone terribly wrong with my epidural from having Lola. You guessed it, I knew my week was going to end in paralysis of all extremities. But then I remembered that I don't have to speculate on what is wrong, I have my trusty bible of illness to consult! The Hypochondriac's Guide to Diseases You Probably Already Have states the following:

Its funny how your body changes in very subtle ways, day by day, so that you never really notice it. You look at your reflection in the mirror and it seems a reasonable enough facsimile to the person you saw staring back at you yesterday, but in reality it's slightly different. Time takes its toll, not in great leaps, but in small, measured steps. You have a few less hairs. The wrinkles are deepening beneath your eyes. Your wedding band digs tighter into your finger. (I thought that was the pre-eclampsia!!!) Your skull grows wider, you forehead more sloped. Gaps form between your teeth. And your jaw isn't supposed to protrude from your face quite so prominently, is it? One day, you meet an old friend on the street and she says, "Holy shit! Why is your head so big?" It's all a part of getting old. Well, getting old and having an acute case of acromegaly.
The word itself is derived from Greek: akro, meaning "ends" or "extremeties", and megas, meaning "large" or "super humongous". The effects of the disease, caused by an excess of growth hormones (brought on most often by a tumor growing on your pituitary gland), usually become apparent during adulthood, manifested as abnormally large hands and feet, but iit can also give you a big nose, thick lips, a sloping forehead, and general facial disfigurement so that you end up looking kind of like folk-rock musician Neil Young.
And yes, it can affect your penis as well.

You will be happy to know that this is what Andre the Giant had. This gives me hope. I can become a professional wrestler if need be. And star in the Princess Bride.

And good thing I don't have a penis.